Eye

I haven’t worn glasses since the age of 10 and you can tell, my eye’s lazier than the cleaners who play candy crush in the cubicles at work. I had to wear an eye patch till the age of 8, and once they told me I couldn’t be saved, I chucked the glasses and with that came the awkward family photos. There you’d have my two normal siblings and me, the spawn of Satan on the end with the turned in eye. But it wasn’t always doom and gloom, I wasn’t always told ‘could you look at the camera please’ as I squinted as hard as I could begging my left eye to stay straight! Only to find my efforts were in vain as my right would surely play copy cat to its feeble counterpart. Sometimes it was fun making others laugh at my deep deep insecurities.

Anyway to cut a long story short, my quick ditching of thine spectacles many moons ago has resulted in a quick case of panic as I find myself having blurry moments while staring at the screen in work. And it’s not just because I don’t have the foggiest about what I’m doing, I really do take moments of blindness. Sh*t. Also if you’ve heard of floaters (not that kind) then I feel for you, I had the shock of a lifetime when I reached out to grab a spider web only to come to the stark realisation that it was infact in my eyeball (Google it).

With enough of these harsh realities  ( in addition to my whole eye infection malarkey) I figured I’d get myself down to the local optician before they diagnose me with a cataract aged 23 and 3/4.

So off I go, print off the voucher from work to get a free pair (key word free) afterall it is work that’s caused this mess (not my meaningless efforts to look cool without glasses during my teenage years). Their harsh if not illegible ‘vdu’ (visual display units) mean I’ll never see a bee again or be able to  read the small print of my life insurance policy without depending on a monocle or as its getting, a telescope. Yes, office life I do indeed BLAME YOU!!!

So there I am in the opticians, chin on a pedestal, forehead in a vice, eye getting a pelting with the conditions not uncanny to that of the northern hemispheric jet stream. Why was air being projected into my willingly open eyeball? To test the pressure. Next! The actual eye test…….

After being asked every question under the sun apart from what my favourite colour was, the optometrist proceeded to try his hardest to permanently blind me with his torchlight in the hope that I’d not leave the shop without the non-discounted Gucci frames. But oh no! I was undeterred by his tiny light saber. Next came reading the writing off of the back of a postage stamp before rolling my eyeballs back and singing kum ba yah. Kidding! The eye test was normal, he said I had 20/20 vision. Comedian much?

Anyway, with the test (torture) over, I picked out a pair of the finest (free) spectacles. Elton John eat your heart out! They really are a cross between hipster and geriatric and I f*cking love em’ Anyone who knocks glasses are probably the same people who are rushed off to A+E every 6-months for their ‘contact lense in the back of the eye’ stunt again. So P*sssssss offffff! Spectacles are officially cool again!