Poem – ‘Try’

Writing

Swallowing pride,

Suppressing suggestions of surrendering,

To the doubts damning me from within.

 

An attempt to achieve,

Guised more as an attack on my ego,

Failure must be coupled with Cheshire cat’s grin. 

 

To try,

An action well-known to the brave.

Yet not even an acquaintance of I nor him. 

 

Trying to try,

Should be an accolade in itself,

With the focus on winning being second to this.

When Will This Nightmare End?!

Writing

I feel like the whole world and its dog has chewed me up, sh*t me out and then sh*t on me that little bit more this last month. Yes, I  don’t just want you to cue the violins, I want you to cue the whole damn orchestra.

 

I think we all have times in our lives where life itself can momentarily get ontop of us. August has been a fine example of this for me. From moving homes, to fallouts with foes and everything inbetween, if ever I believed I was cursed, this past fortnight has been the time to prove it. Honesty, I thought this to  myself on several occasions inbetween the grossly overt wailing I would sporadically and wholeheartedly break into throughout random moments of the day. Sometimes even waking in the middle of the night to shed but a tear on my bedroom pillow before falling back to sleep by counting on my fingers the amount of money I owe relatives who pitied me in my debt-stricken days of 2019. 

 

Have I walked under a ladder, looked at a black cat the wrong way? I really wondered wtf have I done? You may think I’m being overdramatic but, you try having a month of the following:

 

Dusting Away Cobwebs Is Costly Work

Can I just start by saying this is animal cruelty, anyone who wants to whisk up a cobweb with a feather duster like it’s candyfloss on a stick needs to check themselves. Anymore cleaners try and eradicate the spiders, I’m calling animal rescue. You’ve been warned!

So basically having recently moved out of the other property I lived in for 2 years, we had to pay for professional cleaners, which definitely wasn’t my choice, but a contractual obligation put in subtly by the landlord and co. 

Anyhow, I know I’m not the tidiest but one thing that can be said is that I did everything humanly possible apart from clean the floors with my tongue when it came to making the place we were leaving look ‘presentable’. With this thought ripe in my mind I get a report and invoice quote from the cleaning squad or shall I say money launderers (hehe see what I did there).

In summary, the main issue with the cleanliness of the flat came down to ‘dust’, and the bill was over £350. I’m sorry but the last time I checked, a bit of dusting may give you a touch of tennis elbow but it certainly doesn’t warrant making you £350+ richer! Can I just add, before you start thinking I’m some filthy tramp, that dust was a common feature of the flat. This was due to the fact that, how can I say this, in comparison to this flat you would say there’s more ventilation in a vacuum. I’m surprised my lungs haven’t collapsed yet from the lack of air, thanks to the shitty perspex panel which basically prevents the opening of all bar one window in the living room. Hence dust gathers. You could dust the place at 9am tomorrow and by 1pm it’s looking like Pompeii.

Not because you’re a diabolical duster but because dust bunnies love a lack of oxygen. 

So at the mo I’ve basically got the boxing gloves on against the money launderers, demanding they reduce the cleaning fee. Wish me luck with this one, will ya!

macro photography of brown jumping spider

Photo by Egor Kamelev on Pexels.com

Late For Work Everyday This Past Fortnight

It’s one thing being late once or twice while trying to figure out your new route to work when moving homes, but it’s another thing making a habit of it. It’s not like I’ve actively went out of my way to sashay into work 20 mins after I should’ve for atleast 8 of the last 10 working days. I just didn’t realise that I’m such a slow (stroller) walker when it’s a sunny day and my route to the station involves a meander through a leafy park. I definitely need to pull my finger out with this one or I won’t have a job much longer. Then I definitely won’t have time to stroll through that pretty park as I’ll be queuing at the job centre instead seeing the not so pretty sight of the unpolished bald head infront of me in line. 

 

woman wearing white tank top sitting on bench

Photo by Artem Beliaikin on Pexels.com

How The F*ck Do You Work The Hot Water?

One thing I hate more than loud neighbours when moving into a new place is trying to figure out how to use the heating system, be it for radiators or hot water. The manuals make me more confused after skim reading them than before. When it comes to electricity and bills I always have this unshakeable paranoia looming over me, like a dark cloud, that if I fondle one too many buttons on this heating system I’ll be forced to sell a kidney on the black market just to pay for the bill I’ve racked up by somehow setting the system to ‘on 24/7’.

 

My hair has never been as greasy, honestly it felt like I’d dipped my head in a vaseline tub for the past week. But not to worry, I managed to get the hot water working, I dont think its working correctly but at least I got hot water out of the boiler. Can’t wait to see the number of noughts on the electricity bill at the end of this month. 

Image result for royalty free picture of surgery

Good Will Jobhunting

So I’m currently doing maternity cover, from March this year till December. Great timing I must add, just in time for Christmas. Which means my family are getting f*ck all from me this festive season. 

Back on the grind I go, making my CV look painfully eager in demand for attention to match an overtly egotistical cover letter.

I don’t know what the most challenging element of the jobhunt is. Is it wording a good lie to make it semi-truthful on the CV? You know the one we all do like – ‘I spent a week watching others make pie charts on excel in my aunt’s workplace‘ that somehow evolves to the suped up statement on the CV of ‘advanced proficiency in all microsoft packages including excel, powerpoint and word.’ Hahah we’re all a bunch of Bullsh*tters! Or is it the cover letter which catches you out more? It’s one thing writing big bollocks sentences in bullet points onto a pdf, but it’s another finessing those words into a narrative which screams as the tinder version of the job world –  ‘you want me’.But before you make your choice, let’s not forget the old faithful to alot of employers – the job interview. Asses clenched, palms sweaty, we’ve all been there. I always hate when they ask – ‘so what attracted you to the role’ – ‘eh money you f*ck’ we all think to ourselves as we force out the blatant lie that we have a deep subliminal connection with this no-name startup.  

 

Speaking of awkward job interviews, I came across this poor geezer’s excerpt on reddit saying the following:

 

 “In a job interview I shook the employer’s hand and said ‘Hi, how are you?’ (exercising my assertive social skills) which would’ve been fine except that I said it at the END of the f–king interview.” — brend0ge

I mention this one and others on my radio show, if you wanna check those embarrassing stories out click here.

So as you can see from the above, life is going swimmingly, yes swimming in treacle really is a great way to pass the time. The above scenarios are  just the tip of the iceberg, and I’m sinking faster than the Titanic, infact faster than Jack did in the Titanic as he let go of the floating piece of plywood (we all know he could’ve held on let’s not kid ourselves). 

I hope your life is going well, that you aren’t in the middle of a job hunt or worse racking up a heating bill that forces you to sell your soul to the devil in a months time! I really do!

 

The Most Bizarre Home Remedies

Writing

Currently I have this massive blind pimple on my forehead that could rival any set of antlers on a prime young stag. Ofcourse this is the week I have work experience with a nice little editorial name and an interview gig at the weekend. So no better time for acne to make an unwanted appearance I guess!

With that being said I typed so fast into Google search ‘home remedies for hideous ugliness’ and here’s the 2 treatments that came up:

1) A poultice – you don’t know what that is? Don’t worry, I didn’t either. It’s basically bread mixed with some milk or hot water then slapped on your boil, ulcer or in my case the cruellest of them all – SPOT! The aim of the game is that the mixture draws out the impurities from the skin, the hot compression will work to improve bloodflow circulation to the area being treated additionally adding to the process of drawing up the impurities. This will eventually lead to a white top on the spot which you can then squeeeeeeze the sh*t out of. Just kidding, leave it alone or you could cause scarring.

Since this morning I’ve placed the equivalent of two loaves of bread on my face already. For this reason I’m now swapping over to the trusty green tea bag. Supposedly with similar benefits as the bread poultice? Let’s find out!

 

 

As I Googled these home remedies it got me thinking, what are the most obscure old wives tales out there? And which of them actually work? Let the researching begin……….

 

 

 

The Struggle Of Trying To Eat Healthily

Writing

I would rather bite  my own tongue OFF than put another rice cracker with low fat margarine IN my mouth. You read that correctly, self-maiming seems like a healthier option as oppose to a life full of flavourless feeding habits.  I’m in no way against people being as healthy as they can be, I’m just somewhat reluctant to believe that I can summon myself to a life of carrot sticks and hummus.

Maybe I’m just not imaginative enough with my food choices, perhaps there are a million and one ways to make avocado and toast the reason you get up in the morning, but to me a fry up will forever be the way to my heart (quite literally)! I wouldn’t say I’m overly unhealthy, I indulge in the odd weekend takeaway, I have a biscuit with my cuppa, so where’s the harm in that?

Perhaps my downfall isn’t that I’m eating badly, it’s that I’m not eating enough of the good stuff. I wrote a post yesterday about how I feel tired alot and a big role to play in this is  mental well being, I also want to touch on a physical contributing factor to utter exhaustion – the nutritional value of our foods, or shall I say the lack of. It’s one thing eating enough but we also need to make sure we are getting enough nutrients.  That’s right a plate full of fried chicken, mash potatoes and gravy may actually lead us down a path of osteoporosis before we’re 30 if we’re not careful! So with that being said, where the f*ck can I get these damn nutrients from?!

5 of the most nutritious foods according to science at present (in no rank order, ain’t nobody got time for that):

  1. Salmon

All man may be created equally, but sadly the same cannot be said for all fish. When it comes to healthy oils salmon’s your knight in shining scales. With a dense packing of omega-3 fatty acids, you’ll be solving those crossword puzzles in seconds thanks to the beneficial effects these fatty acids have on brain functionality. Plus others here

  1. Garlic

I don’t care how pungent people find this clove, I f*cking love this stuff. So much so that I eat it raw each morning so that I get more personal space on public transport when commuting to work each morning. (joke). Truth be told, it packs a stench and alot of other mighty benefits also: studies have suggested that the smelly spice helps lower the risk heart disease and some cancers due to its sulphurous compounds. Coined the term ‘Russian Penicillin’, it’s antibacterial properties also help fend off skin conditions too. I’m a fan through and through.

  1. Potatoes

I’m not talking about chips, or mash made with 4 sticks of butter. I’m talking about the humble old potato with the SKINS ON (fibre for digestion and controlling blood glucose levels)! Packed with enough vitamin C to send off scurvy in a heartbeat, you can bet your bottom dollar that making a spud a staple on your plate and in your heart will serve you a world of good in the long run. They contain almost every nutrient you need, from magnesium and potassium to manganese and copper. These tuber treats are basically tasty periodic tables if you ask me.

  1. Seaweed

It’s about time a green veg made an appearance on my list but I’m not going for the predictable Kale or broccoli, which ofocurse are highly nutritious. Instead the weed of the sea gets a healthy high five from me. One of its notable beneficial compounds is its high levels of iodine. You may ask why is iodine important for the body?  Iodine is important for the body in making thyroid hormones. Our thyroid gland plays a major role in regulating many body functions through hormone release including metabolism, digestion and brain development. Specifically, for brain and bone development during pregnancy.

  1. Dark Chocolate

This list seems more bearable than I had anticipated, and no better way to top it off than with the topic of conversation being –  chocolate. But note, white or milk won’t give you the same effect as dark. This is because dark chocolate contains a higher concentration of cocoa solids than it’s milkier cousins (which contain milk solids in addition to cocoa solids thus diluting their concentrations down per bar). It’s in this original cocoa where all the nutrition is stored. One being ‘flavonoids’, very beneficial antioxidants to the body, they are naturally occurring plant pigments and can also help promote blood vessel flexibility thus improving overall cardiovascular functionality.  Your heart loves dark chocolate even if you may not.

Do you eat enough of the 5 above, or even any? I definitely don’t eat enough. But it’s never too late to change that. Hope you enjoy a balanced healthy lifestyle, because you deserve it.

Eye

Writing

I haven’t worn glasses since the age of 10 and you can tell, my eye’s lazier than the cleaners who play candy crush in the cubicles at work. I had to wear an eye patch till the age of 8, and once they told me I couldn’t be saved, I chucked the glasses and with that came the awkward family photos. There you’d have my two normal siblings and me, the spawn of Satan on the end with the turned in eye. But it wasn’t always doom and gloom, I wasn’t always told ‘could you look at the camera please’ as I squinted as hard as I could begging my left eye to stay straight! Only to find my efforts were in vain as my right would surely play copy cat to its feeble counterpart. Sometimes it was fun making others laugh at my deep deep insecurities.

Anyway to cut a long story short, my quick ditching of thine spectacles many moons ago has resulted in a quick case of panic as I find myself having blurry moments while staring at the screen in work. And it’s not just because I don’t have the foggiest about what I’m doing, I really do take moments of blindness. Sh*t. Also if you’ve heard of floaters (not that kind) then I feel for you, I had the shock of a lifetime when I reached out to grab a spider web only to come to the stark realisation that it was infact in my eyeball (Google it).

With enough of these harsh realities  ( in addition to my whole eye infection malarkey) I figured I’d get myself down to the local optician before they diagnose me with a cataract aged 23 and 3/4.

So off I go, print off the voucher from work to get a free pair (key word free) afterall it is work that’s caused this mess (not my meaningless efforts to look cool without glasses during my teenage years). Their harsh if not illegible ‘vdu’ (visual display units) mean I’ll never see a bee again or be able to  read the small print of my life insurance policy without depending on a monocle or as its getting, a telescope. Yes, office life I do indeed BLAME YOU!!!

So there I am in the opticians, chin on a pedestal, forehead in a vice, eye getting a pelting with the conditions not uncanny to that of the northern hemispheric jet stream. Why was air being projected into my willingly open eyeball? To test the pressure. Next! The actual eye test…….

After being asked every question under the sun apart from what my favourite colour was, the optometrist proceeded to try his hardest to permanently blind me with his torchlight in the hope that I’d not leave the shop without the non-discounted Gucci frames. But oh no! I was undeterred by his tiny light saber. Next came reading the writing off of the back of a postage stamp before rolling my eyeballs back and singing kum ba yah. Kidding! The eye test was normal, he said I had 20/20 vision. Comedian much?

Anyway, with the test (torture) over, I picked out a pair of the finest (free) spectacles. Elton John eat your heart out! They really are a cross between hipster and geriatric and I f*cking love em’ Anyone who knocks glasses are probably the same people who are rushed off to A+E every 6-months for their ‘contact lense in the back of the eye’ stunt again. So P*sssssss offffff! Spectacles are officially cool again!

An Apple A Day…….

Writing

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away then give me the whole goddamn fruit bowl for my experience with the medical industry was anything but pleasant.  Carrying on from this! Let me explain:

(GP practice door) Knock, Knock. Who’s there?

An absolute imbecile that’s who! There’s no room for politeness here. It’s eyesight we are dealing with!

So I wait 45 minutes to be seen. I enter the room and the nurse doesn’t even look at me or says hi (I’m not trying to see superior just looking for manners)  when I walk in. It looked like she was too busy finishing off her crossword. I sit down and the first thing she says is ‘I don’t know if we can help you, you may have to go to A+E’. I didn’t travel the whole way here and wait for 45 minutes to be told to f*ck right off again. So I held my ground and basically said “could you atleast check it” (f*cking look b*tch).

At which point she reached her finger out and starts prodding my eye (like you’d poke a dead jellyfish at the beach with a twig). I told her it was tender and I swear she poked a bit harder (she had no glove on btw or sanitizer).

She then proceeded to do all sorts of tests in completely random parts of my body, knee reflex, blood pressure and heart rate. I kind of get it but you can see how I just wanted her to focus on my eye. Afterall time is of the essence when infection is involved.

She then said “I don’t know what this is, we aren’t eye specialists here, I’ll have to ask my colleague.” Aren’t eye specialists? Aren’t eye specialists? No you aren’t any specialist you’re supposed to be a GENERAL practitioner! Well, she was a nurse. But they’re well trained most of the time, right? So off she goes, probably for a fag break and returns through the door stomping on my foot in the process. My lips tighten. I’m.About.To.Lose.My.Sh*T!!!!!

The colleague arrives and just in the nick of time, I was about to have the nurse sent to A + E……”Amoxicillin, Fexofenadine and chloramphenicol cream” the knowledgeable colleague rhymes off effortlessly. At which point the dumbass nurse didn’t know which way was up or down. Looking like she was having a hot flush or something she fumbles around in her cupboard drawer and pulls out what looks like the ABC guide to bacterium. WTF! My hand is in my heads at this point (in my mind ofcourse). After a few finger licks and scrolls through the book she picks out a lucky little pill for me. Out of fear for not only losing my eye but my life, I had to quickly read over her shoulder to ensure she wasn’t assigning me cyanide or some sh*t like that! After her bit of light reading she returns to planet Earth to quickly rip me off the prescription hot off the printer and I’m hot stepping out the door in a heartbeat.

Will this sh*te work or has she just cost me my eyeball (atleast it’s my weaker eye if so)?