Amazon’s Worst Christmas Gifts Ever

Writing

Well, there we have it, Christmas is over for yet another year. No one wanted the tangerine in the stocking, but I think we’d take it over these gift mis-haps, don’t you?

1. A Box Of ‘Nothing’


Quite literally a box of absolutely nothing. Why why why would you buy this?

Customer Review 4.1 out of 5 stars, what is going on here?

2. Man Arm Body Pillow

Because nothing screams your a sad singleton more than the sight of a mono-limbed cushion to keep you warm and slightly disturbed at night.

3.Sandals – From The Dawn Of Time

Like some mongrel form of a slipper with teeth, these sandals are uncomfortably akin to those gifted to my very own Mother this passed Christmas by my Dad. I guess a sentencing of 25 years to marriage does something to you.

4.Party Decoration Props

Nothing says par-tay like a pile of dismembered body parts sprawled across a washing line. Not the best Christmas gift but perhaps that’s Halloween sorted.

5. Humping Animals Adult Colouring Book

Yes, this is actually a thing.And actually a number 1 best seller. Should it be? I’ll let you be the judge of that. Let’s hope no children fancy a bit of colouring.

*Ranked in no particular order!!

Poem: Winter

Writing

 

Cheeks flushed crimson,

Embers crackle,

As the smoke billows beyond the seams of the Oak smoked door.

 

A faint glow from within the forest,

The little cottage.

Offering temporary relief,

From a permanent frost.

 

Brave the wind, the rain and the snow.

A feat too difficult for now.

Yet a necessity for

Tomorrow.

 

She Threatened To Smash My Face In

Writing

Who walks into a shop to buy some Christmas baubles for their tree and instead has ‘you’re a f*cking b*tch’ screamed into their face as ‘Jingle Bell’s’ plays in the distant background? Only yours truly ofcourse!

Nothing reminds me more of the season of giving than being on the receiving end of the odd curse word, tirade of insults and that all too familiar tsunami of spit. It’s never a dull moment if you’re me in the shops I can assure you of that.

Let’s rewind for a moment, it’s Friday, everyone loves a Friday (unless of course you work weekends, then it sucks to be you). And what better way to kick off the start of the weekend, and the start of your Christmas shopping, than with a wander around overpriced shops? Doing exactly this, last Friday afternoon was rather boring, yet in doing so, I was content within my mundane little bubble until it was abruptly popped by an aggressive ram to the back of my Achilles heels by a stranger’s pram. The force so strong it made the Trojan Horse look like ‘My Little Pony’. I ignore this ‘accident’ from a fellow shopper, perhaps they had a spasm, slipped on a banana peel, had a moment of utter delusionment and unknowingly forgot their manners. And thus, giving them the benefit of the doubt, I continue to rummage through the tat on the shop floor.

No sooner had the pain dissipated from my heels than had it returned again, like an unwanted smell wafting, which you somehow find yourself consistently down wind of. This time I grit my teeth, crumple a pasty paper mache angel decoration in my palm to a pulp and turn to the perpetrator of this unforgivable act.

I thought pigs couldn’t push prams? I say internally as I give the doting new mother a look like she’s just killed my family pet. No amount of make up disguises an ugly personality, with her overlined lips she seethed through gritted teeth for me to ‘not bother giving her dirty looks as she said ”sorry”. To which I blankly stated ‘I wouldn’t, if your pram push wasn’t intentional’. And to this she erupted like a flantulent St Helens. Hotheaded and rough af, she proceeded to storm around the shop like a bull in a china shop spitting verbal abuse at me from left, right and centre. ‘F*cking b*tch this, f*cking b*tch that’, I wish I’d brought my swear jar for this lovely lady.

Before I’d even had a chance to register what was even being said to me, I watched in shock as other shoppers stood from a distance with both caution and concern at the behavior of this show up. I look around me, I too am in shock at this individual’s escalation from 0 to 100, afterall she was the one who rammed me. Eager to diffuse the situation, my attention turned to try and find the shop assistant before matters truly got out of hand. I spotted the manager but on first glance thought she was a mannequin thanks to her lack of expression, concern or action for what was unfolding before her vacant eyes. I pleaded for her to call security as I truly feared for my safety as the headless chicken of a mother hen rampaged through the store, a hurricane chicaning, refusing to relent. The shop manager,  to my utter astonishment, proceeded to flat out tell me that I was making the situation worse. ‘How could a mother with a pram do you any harm? I’m not calling security’. Was her phrasing. I’m sorry but just because you’ve a pram doesn’t making you bloody Mother Theresa. You can’t judge books by their covers. With this I was truly deflated, my safety means nothing to nobody. Had this aggressive individual spoke to the manager or one of her colleagues how I was spoken to, getting up into my face at a point,  I’d like to hope she would’ve had the respect and decency to call security in that instance. But for me, just a ‘shopper’ I’m somehow the problem?

‘Well Merry Christmas to you ya filthy animal! Your shop sells cheap tat anyway!’ I should’ve said, yet with an overwhelming feeling of disappointment and sadness at the event which had just unfolded I left the shop several minutes after my aggressor stormed out at the sound yet unfortunately not the appearance of ‘security’ at my request.

Sitting on a nearby bench to the shop I reflected and wondered had my actions caused such an explosive aftermath? Or can you truly be caught up in the wrong place at the wrong time? Should I have just not turned around when she bumped into me? Was it really an accident?

How can you not turn around if you feel a thump to your legs? If it was an accident why did she do it twice and at such force? Besides from the way she reacted to my turn around said it all. She was quite simply someone with no manners. If she wanted passed, couldn’t she have said ‘excuse me’? But at the end of the day it’s not my job to teach someone manners, and unfortunately the reality is is that sometimes you may find yourself on the receiving end of this. With that aside what hurt me the most was the lack of consideration given to me by the shop manager. Whether I’m a customer who enters your shop to buy a £1 item or £1,000 item, shouldn’t I be treated with the same respect? Isn’t that what all companies looking your custom want to portray, so you shop with them? That they care for you? The takeaway message from that event is that you need to take care of yourself. Not in a  selfish way but have some respect for yourself and your own well-being. Know that how you handle difficult situations says alot about your character aswell as the others involved.

I hope you don’t have the experience I had too often, and that Santa brings you something a little better than a chorus of cussing this festive season.

Merry Christmas! x

 

 

 

P*ss Off Christmas!

Writing

No sooner has the Grim Reaper even had a chance to pull out his scythe from under his cloak for the Halloween happenings than has every man and his dog cracked open the bottle of eggnog whilst covering outdated Christmas carols in the key of ‘sounds like I’m being choked out in a headlock’.

Christmas comes sooner and sooner with each passing year, and with that, my patience gets thinner and thinner!

Not content with keeping the festivities wrapped up in the comfort of our own homes, as low and behold the shops are at it too! Their plethora of pompous plastic propaganda is quite simply preposterous! Crowing their untimely festive ‘hello’ in the form of silver tinsel, shiny baubles and ofcourse the Christmas cards which you gift to the neighbours you don’t so much as blink an eye at the during the other 364 days of the year.

As the Santa sign with his harem of reindeer in tow swings carelessly above the heads of the unwitting shoppers who stock up like apocalypse preppers below, the shelf stockers are fast replenishing the sold out supply of extra wide aluminum foil and the Christmas crackers that do the toenail clippers. Cheery Christmas jargon is sprawled across the shop floor like your aunt across the king-size during the night of your cousin’s conception. Mid-November really has that festive feel about it, doesn’t it?

Sing along shenanigans, sherries, shandies,
Family fights, half necked-back brandies.

It’s all kicking off in Autumn 2019!

Not that I’m yearning to be the female version of Scrooge this year but is there really anything wrong with wanting the festive cheer to not start early? If Christmas can start early then why can’t the purge?

Can Christmas really start too soon, I hear you squeak? Yes! When it leads to a country’s recession! Starting Christmas that little bit earlier means putting your hand into your pocket that little bit deeper. Which means you’ll be giving up that kidney to the black market that little bit faster. And let’s face it, we all need as many kidneys as we can get our grubby hands on during the later months of the year.

Blowing your pension fund on secret Santa presents is all good if you’ve recently won the lotto or bumped off your wealthy mum and dad to gain access to their will, but for the rest of us unlucky law abiding citizens, Christmas just puts the ‘Christ’ in our mouths everytime we pull out our wallets.

Soon the case will be that Christmas officially ends on the 26th Dec and officially starts again on the 1 January the following year.

I might as well wish you a Merry Christmas now, in advance of Christmas 2020 for the way things are going, so here:

 

Merry Christmas ya filthy animal!

 

6 Holiday Movies You Need To Watch

Writing

Yes, Christmas is over for yet another year, but there’s no better way to keep the spirit alive than being glued to the TV for 8 hours straight. Below are some festive films I’d highly recommend:

1. Deck The Halls

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Contrary to popular belief, I’m quite a fan of the pure foolery and outrageousness of this festive film. Each of us have that neighbour who tries to outdo the whole community with their eye-wateringly expensive electricity bill lighting extravaganza. Therefore, the relatability of the comedy makes it highly engaging.  Sure. It’s no Inception, you don’t have to think hard while watching, and why should you want to?

 

2. The Polar Express

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Not to be confused with Agatha Christie’s ‘Murder on the Orient Express’, which is definitely worth the watch also, but maybe not with the kids. This 2004 frostbitten animation sees the embarking of a young boy on a journey to the North Pole. You’ll never look at train rides the same way again as an air of magic, mystery and festive spirit fill the storyline from start to finish. In addition to wonderful visuals, with voiceplay from the likes of Tom Hanks, you know you’re in for a real festive treat.

 

3. The Duchess

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Christmas is a magical time of year, matching this magic is the majestic feeling evoked when watching Keira Knightly curtsy in a rather ‘to tight to trot in’ corset.   The 2008 British drama offers a biographical re-telling of the life of Georgiana Cavendish, Duchess of Devonshire. Affairs, pregnancies and everything in between are set against the beautiful backdrop of the British countryside, what’s no to love?

 

4. How The Grinch Stole Christmas!

Jim Carrey is sensational as Dr Seuss’ green-eyed egotistical Whoville resident. Comedic, heart-warming and oh so Christmassy, this film is guaranteed to get you knocking back the mulled wine and singing jingle bells in no time (even though is it indeed Boxing Day today)..

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5. Home Alone 1 (&2 but not the rest)

Macaulay Culkin was the cutest kid ever starring as the protagonist in two of the entitled 90’s Christmas comedies. Who would have ever thought that getting left behind by your family and begin burgled would put such a smile on millions of viewers faces? Upon release, Home Alone 1 became the highest grossing live action comedy film of all time in the U.S., taken over by The Hangover Pt ll in 2011.  In my opinion Home Alone with Culkin is priceless anyway, FU Bradley Cooper and your beautiful eyes!

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6. A Christmas Carol

Disney’s 2009 adaptation of the Dickens’ classic brought with it mixed reviews, but to me the dark undertone of the storyline juxtaposes perfectly with the full-action animations.  Despite their being several remakes of the historical author’s story, this has to be one my favourites. Jim Carrey proves not only can he act in person but also can do it solely through voice also, as exemplified perfectly in this marvellous production. Forget Santa, Carrey is the man of Christmas for me!

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Sorry if you’re offended that Die Hard never made the cut!

Today = My Birthday Annnnnnd Nobody Cares

Writing

I think back to how my mother must have felt 24 years ago, spread eagle, screaming ‘get this baby out of me’! The exorcism had nothing on my delivery I’m sure. Yet despite being the best possible gift my parent’s could have ever received on the Eve of Christmas, the passing of time certainly helps them forget this.

 

Nowadays, I’m lucky if I even get a card never mind a present, any I do get are always sent to me second class anyway. Christmas hasn’t always been that bad in all fairness.  Sometimes I’d get to sit on Santa’s knee in the local Mall that little bit longer, which come to think of it, I may not have been that ‘lucky’ afterall.

Don’t get me wrong their are some positives to being born during the most festive time of the year, like getting double the presents from friends at school (not from my parents, they always did the dirty deal of 1 present  does both days), getting to open presents one day earlier than my siblings, and…….I forgot to mention – getting presents! Whoever said quality over quantity must’ve had a rough childhood, or atleast a rough Christmas as a child. Yes, I was a needy child,  there was a time where if I thought my sister got one extra gift than I did I would tear down the Christmas tree, put stones in the snowballs I threw at her and poke her in the eye during the annual Christmas family photo. I did not play!

But oh how times have changed, and with age has my materialistic heart well and truly mellowed, list of gifts now only amount to 5 pages and not the usual ten, many items of which are on sale now if you hurry. It’s true, Christmas is not only about the joy of giving but the pure ecstasy felt when receiving those brand new bright blue suede shoes!

What gift are you most ecstatic about this year? Please tell me your birthday isn’t on Christmas Eve too?!

Have a very Merry Christmas – from one materialistic Muppet to another!

 

Best and Worst Christmas Decorated Offices

Writing

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What’s going on here? Bunch of Scrooges.

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Cute.

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Which way is up?

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Christmas or taxidermy?

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OK.

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Yaaassss, picture + frame combo.

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I’m not going in. You can’t make me.

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Someone has too much time on their hands, obviously.

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Perfect.

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Haha love this.

Does your workplace match any of these above?

Poem: Winter

Writing

Crimson embers of fire crackle,

Beneath the pale moon light.

The stars they twinkle like tiny freckles,

Upon the face of the night.

 

The sun awakens, from its slumbers,

Naked vegetation shivers with delight.

For they are scarce, they’re few in number,

Desperate for the light.

 

The season sets a spell of slumber,

Upon the many lives,

Of plants and animals growing fonder,

To sleeping day and night.

 

This too shall pass,

It just takes might,

Time will change,

The clock will strike.

 

A day will come,

Where we can surrender the fight,

Of surviving these testing hardships,

But until then. Goodnight.

 

 

5 Christmas Family Fights We All Have

Writing

1. Your sister/ brother got more presents than you

Let’s be honest for just a second, we may donate to charity once in a blue moon, help an old lady across the road and give half of our doughnut to the old flame. But in our heart of hearts, we’re all well aware of our all too selfish ways, truth be told, we’re all materialistic son’s of b*tches! And in no other way does this become more evident than during the festive period.  When your loving brother get’s one too many chocolate coins in his stockings you make sure your opinions are well and truly heard in the matter.

2. Your Granny ( on your dad’s side) insults your mum’s cooking

Not like she has any teeth left, stuck to the limitations of the humble sweet corn soup, dear old Deloris decides to put her 2 pence in and share just how much she despises your mother’s home cooking, The woman who has just spent more blood, sweat and tears slaving over a hot stove than what’s humanely acceptable.  Somebody call the Samaritans for Christ’s sake. And the undertakers, because by the look on your mother face, Granny’s seen her last sweet corn soup I think.

3.You didn’t get to put the star ontop of the tree.

This is always a certified way to get my dad’s blood pressure sky-rocketing as me and my siblings squabble over who has the privilege of placing the tacky fraying star upon the tip of the off white scratchy artificial Christmas tree. Arguably the tallest should step up to the task but me being me never found that fair. For consecutive years, that same off white scratchy tree has been toppled, bobbles and all. My dad now refuses to put a tree up these recent years. I do wonder why.

4. Your Aunt begs you to stop telling your 6 year old cousin that Santa isn’t real.

Honesty is the best policy in your eyes, what’s worse than simply lying is lying to a child you tell yourself. Plus it’s quite funny seeing the shock on little Danny’s face as your Aunt’s brow furrows further and further each time you beckon him over.

5. Your Aunt begs you to stop telling your 6 year old cousin that Santa is infact actually ‘Satan’

So she finally got you to stop saying that Santa wasn’t real, but that doesn’t mean you can’t change the narrative to Santa metamorphosing into Satan himself! In a rather beautiful analogy of caterpillar to butterfly, you proceed to tell the younger members of your extended family the real reason Santa wears red.

.

If you can’t empathise with me on any of my fondest of Christmas memories above then you just don’t know what the true meaning of Christmas is – Fighting! I mean – Family!

Developing & Losing Fears

Writing

I never use to be afraid of flying but as I prepare to fly home to Northern Ireland for Christmas, suddenly the meat sweats start materializing all over my body and I gulp that little bit harder.

To me, it’s just something about being trapped in a tiny little tube 30,000ft up in the clouds with nowhere to go but physically downwards which gets me all clammy all over. But the weird thing is I never use to be this way.

They say alot of fears are formed through triggers, bad experiences in the past which you now associate with the thing you fear now. I think back in my memory bank to a possible time when I lost my faith in aviation, flashbacks ranging from mucky microwave meals onflight to screaming babies ring a bell but surely neither of these would result in me clamping onto the Easyjet seat for dear life.

My brow furrows some more as I go further back in time, I’ve got it. It was the time of the storm. Heading back to university in Bristol, UK,  on a miserable January evening, it was dark, windy, kind of like that scene out of one of the  final destination movies. No sooner were we up in the air than did the plane decide to embody all things rollercoaster, or shall I say fighter pilot. One second the metal tube was shaking like a frostbitten child the next it was plummeting like an Olympic diver. I thought it was the end.

Women were screaming, babies were crying, I swear one old man had a heart attack. Let’s just say you know sh*t hits the fan when the trolley dolly falls into the empty seat beside you while knocking over the hot coffee on the cart in the process. She sprinted to her seat so fast after that, she would’ve made Usain Bolt look like a tortoise, believe me.

The plane continued to wreak havoc on its inhabitants for what felt like a lifetime but must’ve only been the WHOLE damn journey, totalling 50 mins! I almost had to seek counselling after the event.

So there you have it, I’ve developed a fear, like allergies, they can be developed, and like allergies they can be lost. So I’ll make it a goal to lose the fear and become fond of flying once again.

What’s your biggest fear?

 

 

The Worst Christmas Gifts You Could Ever Receive

Writing

Whoever said it’s the thought that counts and not the gift has obviously never received a multipack of wet wipes or a tin opener on Christmas morning. Get your head out the clouds sunshine and understand the hard cold facts that there are hard cold individuals out there who think that the below could actually be appreciated by the receiver:

 

  1. The ‘Set’

Hasn’t anyone heard the term ‘quality over quantity’? If I asked for a bottle of quality  perfume then why the hell would I want a Dove multipack of soaps, conditioners and body butters which are gonna leave me with rashes in all the wrong places if you get my drift.

  1. The Free Trial

Photoshop ain’t cheap but it seems some friends and family members amongst us are. A trial that runs for one month only is the equivalent to the longevity of my love and respect for them once they drop this disrespecting package of false hopes and dreams on me! Just as you put the finishing turquoise touches to your beach scenes in the Bahamas Adobe will certainly let you know – your time is up! Merry Christmas!

  1. Pregnancy

Yes, the gift of a child should never be unwelcomed but if mummy-to-be hadn’t planned it then , well, yes it may just be an ‘inconvenience’ as family members ask why you’re looking as stuffed as the turkey before Christmas dinner has even started.

  1. The WRONG Colour

Perhaps sounding like a spoilt brat here but let’s face it when you asked for mauve and got magnolia instead you’re going to lose your absolute sh*t too. Do you know how difficult it is to match magnolia crocs to anything?!!!!

  1. The Bargain Piece

I know my mum and dad aren’t self-made millionaires but would reaching that little bit deeper into their pockets for me once a year really make them bankrupt?! I sometimes get flashbacks to the traumatic time I asked for an ipod and basically got the equivalent of a cassette player. WTF! Not only was it a fraction of the price it only played tapes! Completely defeating the point of the ipod hahahaha I still love you ‘rents!

What’s the worst Christmas present you’ve ever received?

Poem: Christmas Food

Writing

Food.

So bad, yet so good.

So many colours, so many textures.

So many food poisonings taken for the pleasure.

 

You gave me gout last Christmas Eve,

But I don’t hold it against you, you see,

For I know our relationship is solid.

Once the doctor unclogs my arteries.

 

This Christmas things will be different.

You promised we’d take things slower.

If I end up back in the kidney stones ward.

I’m afraid our fond relationship may be over.

 

Why You & I Both Hate Shopping

Writing

Nothing sinks my heart further into the pit of my stomach than the sight of two mums fighting over the same cable-knit jumper in the ‘Winter’ aisle, or better yet, one of them fighting with yours truly. Not that I would ever buy a cable-knit jumper or anything remotely resembling it but the point still holds, going clothes shopping is like going off to war. Left, right and centre you have the fear of God struck into you by the bullish and brutish ways of the everyday shopper.

I’m not saying every passerby has their heart set on making my shopping experience a living misery, but I am saying that there are a modest few that do, and don’t they do their damndest! Here are 5 of my favourite worse case scenarios when it comes to getting the groceries in:

  1. The Fitting Rooms

You think trying on clothes in a fitting room would be a very ‘individual’ sport (unless ofcourse  you’re one of these people who takes baths with their dogs and showers with their neighbours). Atleast it’s meant to be a solo activity until you are at your most vulnerable, as naked as the day you were born and the changing room curtain suddenly wafts open thanks to the ever-so-speedy shop assistant who keeps racing up and down the changing room corridors collecting coat hangers. The curtains billow as if a tornado has just graced us with its presence all in while your modesty as a result goes out the window. Cheers coat hanger girl, your wind gush running really made my day!

  1. Have A Good Look

Picture reading the tiniest of fonts on a label the size of a postage stamp, you focus with great intent, eyes squinting, beads of sweat drip from your forehead. You need these details! Success! You’ve read that the item isn’t machine washable so you turn to head away from the product only you find yourself cornered from all sides by blank, expressionless, unfamiliar faces. That’s right just as you decided to read the label so too did 5 other people who had nothing better to do with their lives in that moment than to make you feel small and trapped in your little local mall.

  1. The Awkward Shuffle

Shopping aisles are no place for claustrophobe’s or anyone who isn’t the width of a shoestring by all accounts. We’ve all been there, heading down the aisle, opposite traffic is on the move towards us fast and steady, we panic, which side to choose? Too late, you and the geriatric have both went left when you quite clearly should’ve went right. You almost clash heads, it could’ve been worse, it could’ve been the lips. This happens to me all the time, I always awkwardly do the same shaky shuffle as I desperately try and dodge another body only to find myself grazing mine against theirs in the most inconvenient of manners. I’m sure you can share this embarrassment atleast once in your life, that is ofcourse if you dare to venture beyond your welcome doormat once in a blue moon. 

  1. Walk The Line

I know that good things come to those who wait but when you’re waiting in line and have an unruly kid upfront and 2 gossiping grannies behind you really do have to weigh up the need to even buy food or clothing at all sometimes. It’s times like this I wish I could just abort the mission of trying to live in a civilised society and run off to the Amazon.

  1. The Cashier

I don’t care if I’m the 250th person you’ve asked ‘would you like a bag?’ to, is it too much to ask that you don’t look like you’ve sucked all the lemons down the fruit and veg aisle? What is with some people that they can’t just fake a smile once in a while even if they’re dying inside? Why does the curse of lethargy and snark strike just as I step up to pay for my camel toe inducing leggings and bottle green V-neck? Check yourself out check out girl! Or I wanna see your damn manager!

 

So tell me, am I being overdramatic or does shopping turn out to be full scale warfare in your eyes also? Let’s just say, I totally get why Amazon has become a multi-billion dollar company.