So, here I am, staring down the barrel of a gun, otherwise known as my Blue Yeti USB microphone. My lip starts to quiver then an absolute torrent of inaudible words start spewing out of my mouth uncontrollably. I’m supposed to be doing my intro to my very first podcast but instead I’m building up a sweat and the odd heart palpitation.
Should I make a script or just ad lib it? Well, as I’ve just mentioned above, the ‘off the bat’ approach just wasn’t cutting the mustard so I decided to jot down a few bullet points. You know, just things like not forgetting to mention ‘hello’, or my name, or why I’m even doing the damn podcast, pretty much every word I would most likely forget had I not clamped the post-it note down to the desk right infront of me.
So with the script in place and microphone at the ready I start talking gibberish. I stutter, I mumble, I do everything in my power to seem absolutely powerless to my nerves. But why am I so nervous, it’s just me in the room (I hope)? But microphones are intimidating objects, like uncorked wine bottles, just begging you to drink their insides. As I stare down at my mic it glares back up at me and begins to whisper about how groggy my voice will sound on the recording, how everyone listening will laugh at me, how I need a lozenge asap. I silence my mic by suffocating it with my hand, I slam the switch off and I begin the cry into my hands. Will this podcast ever come to be I ask myself?
Days go by, and each time I walk passed my mic it hisses at me with spite. I lock it in the cupboard fearing that I’ll never get to record my thoughts on the taste of water or whether Veganism is just a fad. Holding on to the rough recordings I made before my mic mouthed off at me, I decided to have a moment of insanity and play them back on my laptop.
All I can say is, well…….nothing at all really. I was floored, speechless, by the sound of my own slurred words. To say it sounded like nails on a chalk board would be an understatement. My microphone was right! I sounded like sh*t!
I haven’t used my mic or opened my mouth since, this was weeks ago, will I ever speak again and even more importantly than that, will me and Mikey ever rekindle our friendship?? TBC
The Neon Squid 