I get insecure. Sometimes.
I don’t know how to look you in the eye.
Days go by where I just want to lie in my bed and hide.
Are we all just suffering inside?
Please let me know I’m not alone in my struggles.
I get nervous, I get anxious.
But around me, everyone else seems so normal.
I get frustrated with myself,
That I don’t know how to relax.
I feel constantly on edge, as if someone’s ready to attack.
When really the only attacker is me.
My guard is up way too much, my arsenal is at the ready.
Say the wrong words to me and it’s venom spitted at you strong and heavy.
I’m not proud.
I wish I wasn’t so defensive.
I wish I wasn’t so offensive.
I wish insecurities where just a thing of the imagination.
Maybe the line above is our biggest lesson.
It doesn’t matter what’s wrong or what’s right.
If you go left, I’ll go right.
I don’t want anyone to know I cry at night,
So that’s why I always put up a fight.
I’ll fight on a Monday, I’ll fight on a Tuesday.
I’ll fight when you choose-a-day,
Cuz for me, it’s never a -lose-day.
Atleast not in your eyes.
But perhaps inside mine.
See, although I try and hide it,
Truth is, I really am quite shy.
I really do get tired,
Of keeping up this lie.
See, I feel like you will feel I’m weak.
If I were to go weak at the knees,
Would you expect me to kiss your feet?
I dare not kiss my own self-esteem,
For fear of being seen as an obscene wannabe Queen.
But, perhaps I’ve got it all wrong.
To care for yourself is not vain or self-centered.
A love for thine self should surely be unmeasured.
Unweathered and treasured.
Or atleast I would hope.
But not merely know.
I would give anything up,
Just to give this a go.
The meaning behind the poem: In a society where no-one wants to seem big headed, where compliments are brushed off in a heartbeat, it can lead some of us into a downward spiral of self-loathing. Just as body dysmorphia can make someone unhappy with their external appearance, low self-esteem can make someone belittle themselves from within. My poem highlights my inner antagonism at a stage in my life where I truly didn’t like myself enough to even go to the shop to buy food. I sat on my bed and just wrote this from an honest place. I use to be a very angry person, angry at myself for not caring about my own well-being at all. I thought I’d hide my insecurities be being angry with others, being defensive so I didn’t appear weak. I’ve learnt the hard way from this and as a result have taken steps to better myself and most importantly be kind to myself so that I can be kind to others.