An Apple A Day…….

Writing

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away then give me the whole goddamn fruit bowl for my experience with the medical industry was anything but pleasant.  Carrying on from this! Let me explain:

(GP practice door) Knock, Knock. Who’s there?

An absolute imbecile that’s who! There’s no room for politeness here. It’s eyesight we are dealing with!

So I wait 45 minutes to be seen. I enter the room and the nurse doesn’t even look at me or says hi (I’m not trying to see superior just looking for manners)  when I walk in. It looked like she was too busy finishing off her crossword. I sit down and the first thing she says is ‘I don’t know if we can help you, you may have to go to A+E’. I didn’t travel the whole way here and wait for 45 minutes to be told to f*ck right off again. So I held my ground and basically said “could you atleast check it” (f*cking look b*tch).

At which point she reached her finger out and starts prodding my eye (like you’d poke a dead jellyfish at the beach with a twig). I told her it was tender and I swear she poked a bit harder (she had no glove on btw or sanitizer).

She then proceeded to do all sorts of tests in completely random parts of my body, knee reflex, blood pressure and heart rate. I kind of get it but you can see how I just wanted her to focus on my eye. Afterall time is of the essence when infection is involved.

She then said “I don’t know what this is, we aren’t eye specialists here, I’ll have to ask my colleague.” Aren’t eye specialists? Aren’t eye specialists? No you aren’t any specialist you’re supposed to be a GENERAL practitioner! Well, she was a nurse. But they’re well trained most of the time, right? So off she goes, probably for a fag break and returns through the door stomping on my foot in the process. My lips tighten. I’m.About.To.Lose.My.Sh*T!!!!!

The colleague arrives and just in the nick of time, I was about to have the nurse sent to A + E……”Amoxicillin, Fexofenadine and chloramphenicol cream” the knowledgeable colleague rhymes off effortlessly. At which point the dumbass nurse didn’t know which way was up or down. Looking like she was having a hot flush or something she fumbles around in her cupboard drawer and pulls out what looks like the ABC guide to bacterium. WTF! My hand is in my heads at this point (in my mind ofcourse). After a few finger licks and scrolls through the book she picks out a lucky little pill for me. Out of fear for not only losing my eye but my life, I had to quickly read over her shoulder to ensure she wasn’t assigning me cyanide or some sh*t like that! After her bit of light reading she returns to planet Earth to quickly rip me off the prescription hot off the printer and I’m hot stepping out the door in a heartbeat.

Will this sh*te work or has she just cost me my eyeball (atleast it’s my weaker eye if so)?

See The Signs

Writing

I write to you with one eye open this Monday morning, not two, one. if any of you recount the good old game of Animal Crossings, you’ll remember fondly the big ass ballooned eye your little character would receive from a bee sting (Google it). I, my friends am that character. But it wasn’t a bee that caused this. It was myself. In what seemed like an unknowing attempt of self-sabotage! But How?

The workplace

Sh*t always goes down in the office and obviously some must’ve got into my damn eye.  I distinctly remember my left eye being quite itchy while at the desk, as there was no sandpaper handy to really scratch that itch my dirty fingernail had to suffice. My nail had probably minorly cut my lower eyelid and dirt must’ve got in and had a field day, atleast that’s what I think caused it!

But not to jump ahead let me show you the experience through my eyes (right eye only) on how the infection developed  so you are aware if you’re ever in a similar situation, hopefully not!

The Symptoms

It’s Saturday morning, the penetrating sunlight from my blinds interjects the constant buzz of the outdoor traffic. I wake up well rested and ready for the day. That is, until I peer into the mirror at my left eye with my right eye, I look like I’ve  just done 12 rounds with Tyson. It’s swollen, it’s red, but not yet to an extent where I feel I should get something for it. And this was my mistake! Prevention is better than cure folks, know that! Act early.

So the day goes on, I just float around like a bad smell not knowing internally the rot that was starting to fester! Bit dramatic – the infection was beginning to worsen. I go to sleep that night after trying a home remedy of warm compression and black tea bags on my left eye.

Waking up Sunday, I feel an irregular tightness where I’d normally get my frequent dark circles! The infection had spread. Before it was near my tearduct now it’s making its way down my f*cking face! My cheekbone is beginning to hurt. I immediately start freaking out and do what any sane person would do and that’s jump straight on to Google. Looking at symptoms and reasons, I come across the goriest sh*te known to man, woman and child. Word of advice, don’t Google a symptom too much and certainly don’t look in Google Images!

From what my research had shown me, I had anything from mild Conjunctivitis to ‘you’re going blind b*tch’. And with this shock horror on a Sunday I rushed my ass half way across the city to visit an out of hours doctor. And this is where the fun really begins….

 

Part 1 – The Symptoms

Part 2 – The Treatment

Part 3 – The Aftermath