And So It BEGINS

Writing

They say as one door abruptly closes another is but slightly ajar, waiting for you to unwelcomingly force your way through it. 

 

Atleast this is how it feels when it comes to the jobhunt for me. 

 

Coined the ‘portfolio generation’, I ask myself, is there really anything wrong with having more jobs than I’ve had hot meals? The sane amongst us may think yes, but who really aims to be prudent with their short time on this planet anyway?

 

Off I go again, diving into the deep dark murky depths of the unknown. More sweaty handshakes and shaky throats await me in the not too distant future. That is ofcourse if I even manage to muster up the might to make an application. And even then if luck would have it, I be summoned for a session of scrutiny before the inevitable ‘no, you’re sh*te’ is sugarcoated in the all too familiar automated rejection email. 

 

With the thrill of opening my monthly jobseeker’s allowance packet ripe in my mind, I thought there’s no better way to keep the humiliation going than with a few common blunders that others have experienced on their quest to sell their soul to the rat race:

 

Resume/CV Mishaps

 

  • Candidate stated the ability to persuade people sexually using her words.
  • Candidate wrote résumé as a play – Act 1, Act 2, etc.
  • Candidate wrote “2001 summer Voluntary work for taking care of the elderly and vegetable people”
  • Candidate wrote “I’m intrested to here more about that. I’m working today in a furniture factory as a drawer”
  • Candidate included family medical history.
  • Skills: “I have integrity so I will not steal office supplies and take them home.”

Source job mob

 

Job Interview Mistakes

1)Interviewer: What’s your greatest weakness?

Candidate: Women. That’s kind of why I’m looking for a new job. I had an affair         with my boss’s wife.

2) Interviewer: What makes you think you’re right for a job? (McDonalds – burger flipper). 

Candidate: Well, I’m great with animals.

3) “I had a video interview for a very large company. The computer would ask a question and record your answer to send to management.

You had 30 seconds, no more no less, to answer the question.

For one question, I ran out of things to talk about so I decided to stand really still and not blink for 15 seconds to make it look like the video froze…

4) While I thought I wrote “I can hardly contain my excitement about the possibility of working with your organisation,” auto-correct changed “excitement” to “excrement.”

Source Coburg

 

*I hope you haven’t made too many blunders on your career quest!

Ghost Stories – Continued

Writing

So I’ve made it, with a sustained pulse so fast it almost flatlined and enough buckets of sweat to fill the oceans twiceover, it’s safe to say ‘Ghost Stories’ did it’s job of being terrifically terrifying last night at the Lyric Theatre in Hammersmith, London.

 

Not to give the plot away too much, but it basically follows the narrator on a journey through 3 individual ghost encounters, executing a jumpscare once every couple of minutes it felt like. It got me thinking, what causes us to ‘jump’ when we’re scared, surely the little skip in your seat wouldn’t serve you much of a purpose, or would it?

 

What Is A ‘Jumpscare’

 

A  technique bringing about an abrupt change in audio or image in order to frighten the audience.

 

What Happens When We Are Scared By A Jumpscare:

 

The sudden change of stimulus causes a series of chemical reactions in the brain to facilitate the ‘fight or flight’ mode. Specifically a part of the brain called the ‘hypothalamus’ activates two systems in the body which prep you for that survival instinct on whether to run for the hills or fight it out. These are the 1)sympathetic nervous system and 2) the adrenal cortical system.These systems work to transfer stress hormones throughout the body to cause the symptoms we know of including an increased heart rate, tense muscles and dilated pupils. Increased heart rate = more blood can flow to the muscles energising them to run or fight and to the brain for quickfire decision making in the face of danger. Muscles tense energized by glucose and adrenaline. Dilated pupils allow as much light in as possible so the perceived threat can be seen clearly.

 

So now that you know a little about what happens inside of you when you’re scared, will any of the below trigger the physiological effects above in you?

 

 

Courtesy of Bros Top 11 (not my material)

 

Did it work on you? If not, would you pay money with the intention of getting scared out of your mind like I did?

 

I’m Making A Radio Show

Writing

If ever there was a time I was more nervous, it would have to have been the day I mixed colours with whites while doing the clothes washing. But only once, and only then! *Mum forgive me!

But why am I so nervous about making a radio show? And more importantly, why exactly am I making one in the first place?

I guess answering the first one, it’s because I’ve never made one before, and with inexperience comes apprehension. Compounding this, it’s because I care. I care about the meaning behind the content I am creating, I care about doing a good job of it.

I’m making a radio show because in the last half a year I’ve been bitten by the radio bug through listening to select radio shows and doing a bit of work experience at local stations. Radio for me, sits in the crosshairs of two interests of mine: music & bullsh*tting conversation. So with all of these ingredients combined I might as well give it a go! What’s the worst that could happen? I’m too robotic, there’s too many awkward silences, my music choices suck!!!!! Well, even so atleast I can say I gave it a go!

So what will my radio show actually be about?

Watch this space! :p

**Release date: 1st April 2019

*Surely there’s something you’ve wanted to give a go but haven’t yet? Take the leap of faith just like me and we can both cry about it after haha.

art dancing female flame learning aerial silks circus arts

My Goal To learn Aerial Silks

Writing

Most people pick up a hobby like going swimming or painting at weekends, I’ve decided to pack all that in and run away to the circus.  Not literally but……physically. In the form of ‘aerial silks’. For anyone who is none the wiser as to what this mysterious terms refers to, let me enlighten you.

It’s basically the most elegant way to slip a spinal disc, fall to your death, or, do both, with such finesse. Yes, indeed, signing away my soul was as easy as a £250 transaction  and turning up to the first of 10 weekly lessons.

Things must be going somewhat ok because I’m on lesson 5 this week and well…..as you can tell I’m still here, or else it’s my ghost writing this post. Which is very plausible.

But really why have I decided to embark on this elegant challenge? It is because of just that – it’s a challenge. Don’t get me wrong, being ‘comfortable’ is great, sitting at home watching Netflix really does sound ideal 9/10 times for me. But for about a year now there’s been this little nagging voice in my head encouraging me to try something new, to do something different. And this difference was in the form of actually getting myself off the sofa and into the realms of uncertainly in the form of a big silky green curtain with too much give and not enough grip.

The aim of this challenge is with any to learn and progress. I do feel like I’m getting better if only slowly. In the first week I couldn’t even climb off of the ground, by week 5 I can climb a decent height and tumble purposefully and no longer accidentally.

My goal is to perform a choreographed piece without any flops which actually looks half decent. So watch this space, I’m planning to post it on here when I’m successful!

Being comfortable is boring, what challenge will you try to develop yourself for the better?

Poem: Fight

Writing

It doesn’t matter what’s wrong or what’s right.
If you go left, I’ll go right.
I don’t want anyone to know I cry at night,
So that’s why I always put up a fight.

I’ll fight on a Monday, I’ll fight on a Tuesday.
I’ll fight when you choose-a-day,
Cuz for me, it’s never a -lose-day.
Atleast not in your eyes.
But perhaps inside mine.

See, although I try and hide it,
Truth is, I really am quite shy.
I really do get tired,
Of keeping up this lie.

See, I feel like you will feel I’m weak.
If I were to go weak at the knees,
Would you expect me to kiss your feet?

I dare not kiss my own self-esteem,
For fear of being seen as an obscene wannabe Queen.
But, perhaps I’ve got it all wrong.
To care for yourself is not vain or self-centered.
A love for thine self should surely be unmeasured.
Unweathered and treasured.
Or atleast I would hope.
But not merely know.
I would give anything up,
Just to give this a go.

The meaning behind the poem: In a society where no-one wants to seem big headed, where compliments are brushed off in a heartbeat, it can lead some of us into a downward spiral of self-loathing. Just as body dysmorphia can make someone unhappy with their external appearance, low self-esteem can make someone belittle themselves from within. My poem highlights my inner antagonism at a stage in my life where I truly didn’t like myself enough to even go to the shop to buy food. I sat on my bed and just wrote this from an honest place. I use to be a very angry person, angry at myself for not caring about my own well-being at all. I thought I’d hide my insecurities be being angry with others, being defensive so I didn’t appear weak. I’ve learnt the hard way from this and as a result have taken steps to better myself and most importantly be kind to myself so that I can be kind to others.

Tough Mudder – Let The Torture Continue

Writing

I’m back, fingers are well and truly rested, unlike my body which is still covered in bruises and scratches from that fateful day. Anyhow, onto the next obstacle, eh?

Obstacle 7: Prepare To Drown

As if crawling through a tunnel the width of a straw wasn’t unbearable enough in the last obstacle, we now had to fully submerge ourselves in murky water and swim under 4 consecutive horizontal pipes. They certainly weren’t conservative with the width of these I can tell you that. Trying to weakly swim under each one felt like an eternity, another millisecond longer and I would’ve needed scuba gear or a lawyer for suing purposes!

~ ~~jog jog jog about half a mile ~~~

Obstacle 8: Is Your Log Bigger Than Mine?

It was time to buddy up and start doing a bit of slave labour in the form of hauling a big mighty fallen oak trunk up a hilly field. Working in threes worked well, I was at the back and was substantially shorter than the other two. Result = a log as light as a feather.

~~~walk walk walk about half a mile~~~

Obstacle 9: The Devil’s Beard

A rather cute term for what looks like a fisherman’s net sprawled across the side of the hill. All you had to do was crawl under it to the top, quite a fun little exercise in baking degree heat.

~~~walk walk walk about half a mile~~~

Obstacle 10: The Wall Of No Return

If there was anywhere on the course to croak it at, here was the obstacle you could atleast leave us with your head held high. For this was no match for man, woman nor beast. The wooden wall dominated the mountain top, grown men fell from its neck-breaking heights,  at such an altitude I swear I could hear someone scream they’d just burst an eardrum. It’s safe to say this obstacle had me by my metaphorical balls. No Fosbury Flop was getting me over this beast let me assure you. So deforming someone else’s skull worked the trick as I catapulted my wispy body from the springboard of a rather frustrated looking chap. Who I’m forever grateful too. If you’re reading this now I thank you and would be partially willing to donate to your gofundme hair transplant campaign thanks to my srambling footwork on your head now leaving your once thick luscious locks without an owner.

~~walk walk crawl about half a mile weep ~

Obstacle 11: The Playground

Bringing us all back to the swings and roundabouts days, here we were faced with clambering up a meshwork of rope lattices in a rather ungainly manner. It paid off if you have big feet in this one, they’re less likely to fall through the gaps in the lattices and secondly good for kicking off the sloths of the challenge so you could get two feet back on solid ground as quickly as possible. (NB: I do not endorse (intense)  violence)).

~~~weep weep sprint to the Goddamn finish~

Obstacle 12: The End Is Nigh

I could almost smell the sweaty bodied finish line as I tripped into a trench full of murky scummy water, only to baptismally arise to see a non-grip slope which needed more than someone’s head to lunge off  to get to the tippy top of. So what’s the alternative – 2 heads! Thank God my brain was still functioning by this stage of the course and my team managed to form a human pyramid and not a human centipede. And with this we clambered to the top of the ledge with enough time to take in the chaos that had just unfolded!

**P.S. I think I missed one obstacle out, sorry blame the concussion. Look our for pictures in the coming weeks of the event, I’ll be uploading soon!

So I think the moral of the story is if you’d like a few battle scars and a lifetime of trauma jam-packed into 90 minutes then take on Tough Mudder!